Trickster Tipster Dec 31

Cardio-focused Man Utd should outrun lethargic Arsenal for a win

Fitness is life, the obese are lame. Without fitness, you can’t win the game!


You know, someone needs to remind Arsenal that a football match lasts for 90 minutes and not just 80 minutes. Because the way they capitulated against Chelsea in the last 10 minutes felt as though the game had already ended.  


If it’s because they don’t have the fitness to last the entire game, then they should be ashamed of themselves. Even my pet dogs have more energy than those Gooners!


Anyway, if Arsenal are going to do the same against Manchester United, then it’s going to be a massacre. Just in case the North Londoners haven’t heard, Man Utd are now a rejuvenated team. And if there’s one thing that they are really good at, it’s running!  


While I admit cardio isn’t exactly my favourite workout to do (I would much rather do yoga or trampolining, so I wouldn’t sweat so much), I love seeing guys sprinting with a look of determination like Daniel James and Brandon Williams! I do hope Williams gets to play rather than Luke Shaw, who looks like he has eaten an entire turkey or two over the festive period.  


Still, it’s so much more enjoyable to watch Man Utd play than Arsenal, as they are always smiling and look like they are enjoying themselves. The Gunners, on the other hand, look so gloomy all the time. Honestly, who would ever want to watch 11 dejected men trying to kick a ball?  


Which is why I feel Man Utd are going to be salivating at the prospect of taking on Arsenal. I’m going for a 3-1 win in favour of the Red Devils!


Math Genius: Liverpool vs Sheffield United

(Statistics + algebra – probability) x me = 100% accurate EPL predictions.


Have you seen how much Jurgen Klopp has been grinning during press conferences? I may not be a psychic or a mind reader, but I’m pretty sure he knows that his Liverpool are already champions.  


I’ve looked through the entire footage (courtesy of the Shady Hacker, of course), and counted the German grinning at least 300 times! That’s a grin every six seconds or so!


Coincidentally, Liverpool’s chances of winning are six times higher than Sheffield United’s. The Blades’ don’t really stand a chance as it is, because their manager Chris Wilder has turned into a grumpy old man, which has brought down the happiness level at Sheffield to just 20 per cent.  


That means that Liverpool are going to win 4-0.  




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Fengshui Master: Leicester City vs Newcastle  

The answers to the EPL are in the palm of my hand.


I’ve deduced that the reason Leicester City weren’t doing so well was because the Red Sun was shining brightly over the city of Leicester. While the Red Sun usually represents prosperity for everyone, it wasn’t the case for their manager Brendan Rodgers, who is allergic to the colour red.  


But now that the Red Sun has shifted over towards Norwich in the east, it should mean that normal service will resume in Leicester.  


As for Newcastle, it appears that January will not be a good month, as the North Wind is starting to change direction and blow towards the South.  


Leicester to clinch this with a 2-0 victory.  


Shady Hacker: Southampton vs Tottenham Hotspur

You don’t know me. But I know you. And everything about the EPL too.


You would think that Tottenham under Jose Mourinho would go on a tear, but I’ll tell you why it isn;t happening – it’s because the Portugese and his star striker Harry Kane still can’t understand each other.  


Kane, being the Englishman that he is, has found it hard to understand Mourinho’s broken English and Portugese accent. On the other hand, Mourinho can’t quite understand what Kane is trying to say because the England captain tends to blabber and can’t quite pronounce his words properly.  


With Southampton doing so well…. Oh wait, what’s that? Mourinho has just driven a bus into the parking lot by the pitch at the Enfield Training Centre?  


Well this should be easy for me. Southampton to win 2-0.  




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